My Middle Name Should Be Agony

I hate most...

When the pain is bad in my hands. I always have pain in my hands, but when it gets worse... it feels like fire in my bones with cramping, jelly-fingers. Typing becomes difficult since my hands are shaky and painful. There is no way to draw or craft. Even holding a book causes cramps in my fingers and palms.

Or when my mind is too cloudy to focus on a goddamn article. I keep re-reading it, uncomprehending. Read it until I think I've got it. Then realize 10 minutes later I don't remember a goddamn thing about it. Zero retention! I used to read 40-70 pages of legal text for two to three classes per evening and recall it in class almost verbatim to satisfy cold calls from professors. Now I struggle to retain a single article. Now I struggle to focus on for fun reading. Mushy, slushy useless mind.

Or when I feel weak and shaky all over. When I can't trust my hands and feet and legs to work right. When I get so weak and exhausted I have to lay down or fall down. When it feels like every part of me is jittery, dizzy, weak, and clumsy.

But especially right now-- when I it is all three. Now my hands burn and ache and spasm from the tips of my fingers, through my palms, up to my elbows-- like evening gloves of shit and fuckery. I am typing this and every keystroke sends fire and stabbing through my hands and arms. But my fingers jitter and slip sloppily across the keyboard because my whole body is weak and shaky. So I have to keep re-typing this shit because my body is shaking, my depth perception is fucked, and I'm clumsy as newborn Bambi. I'm trying to write something coherent, but my mind is haphazard, slushy, and confused.

But the pain can get worse. It hasn't reached it's full "AGONY OF A THOUSAND BURNING NERVE ENDINGS" potential that makes me just lay down and cry for hours until it leaves. Actually, I'd rather be unconscious during those times.

It feels like this... (not shown, burning calves and feet also.)

The cold rain today makes things worse. I don't understand how. I'm not sitting outside in it. What. The. Fuck.

I am filling out a Do Not Resuscitate form. Not that I will do anything stupid, ever, because I promised not to. But I will not fight for this life if it would otherwise end by natural or accidental means.