Endurance

“The reason why heaven and earth are able to endure and continue thus long is because they do not live of, or for, themselves.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

I have been trying to be strong, but I feel very weak. I feel worn down or broken. I was hoping to be stronger. I was hoping to be more resilient. I was hoping not to worry anyone else. But I feel hopeless and tired. Three years of sorrows and loss and pain-- not to overlook joy, the little joys, but that has not been enough to cover the wounds.

Every step I take forward takes has failed or is painfully slow. I tried law school in Colorado, but missed too many days of class due to migraines. I tried MMJ and for a while it seemed things were looking up, but the side-effects were too severe. Then there were/are months of pain with new medications that failed. I'm on Flexeril and that helps with the spasms, but it does nothing for the pain that keeps me awake at night or the weakness that keeps me bedridden. I'm trying to get Social Security Disability, but the medical offices have to send my records to the specialist writing the letter. Health appointments schedule out weeks or even months in advance. It is a slow and frustrating process.

I am impatient for an answer-- for healing, or dealing, or beginning anew. I am impatient for becoming. I am tired of always unraveling and being undone. It is this stubbornness makes me brittle and I snap. But when I let my "fight" go then I am just... empty-- and not in a good way. I feel empty in a worn out, hollow, hopeless in a way that just wants to lay down, and give up, and never move again.The pain itself brings either mindless rage or crushing sorrow. Pain blinds and deceives. I let the sorrow out with tears. I let the anger out with walking or dance. But then I just feel empty again.

But some part of me is broken, sad, hollow and I do not know if it will mend.

I've told my physician, counselor, and neurologist about the depression... but no one seems to know what meds to give me.

I only know, that broken and pain-filled, sorrowful for my weakness of body and resolve, guilty for my temper and being a burden-- I get up and try again. I drag my tired body up and I take another step. Because I promised that I would try. And I keep my promises, no matter how horrible, shitty, and awful they become to fulfill.

Try.

Survive.

Endure.