Went to my 2 p.m. neurological appointment at University Hospital. EMG apparently involves them zapping your body with electrodes so that your muscles spasm to test nerve reaction times followed by being stabbed directly in the nerves with electro-needles to make deeper muscle spasms and listen to some weird readout that sounds like radio static.
It sounds horrible, but I already have muscle spasms and in the middle of the test I had one of my back spasms that hurt worse than being jabbed directly in the tender hand nerves with an electro needle-- that helped put everything in perspective. But I am sore. Muscle spasms I already get from fibro but that doesn't make the worn-out, beat-up exhaustion any easier.
My body feels broken because of the exhaustion, muscle cramps, pain.
Heart feels broken because I've been too weak-- I've hurt others in my pain.
Mind feels confused and broken because I've lost so much that I don't even know how to start again.
I just keep dragging myself forward. Picking up this goddamn corpse and throwing it through each step, each breath, each day. A friend was playing a game where you literally drag another character around and throw them at objectives. That is how I feel about myself. I literally pick myself up and hurl my useless floppy doll-body at "optimal" objectives even though I feel empty and hollow and it seems like it ultimately useless and pointless.
Why?
Not from any desire to be or exist.
Merely a promise.
A promise to try.
So I try.
a promise to try....
ReplyDeleteSo you keep your promises.
It's good to be consistent, to have integrity with ones self.