Turning Point?

"Now I can read books again, have my memory back, and the first morning after my first night’s good sleep, I tore the morning glory vines off my bedroom window and let the sun shine in. I only wish other people with fibromyalgia could get the same prescription and treatment, with deep sleep a lot of our problems just disappear." -- Abby

I hope this will be my experience soon. I just got my prescription for Lyrica filled.

What I would not give for decent sleep... I feel my exhaustion and cloudy mind like heavy blankets weighing me down and muffling my world. It is suffocating fatigue that makes every movement, every sentence, and every moment into a battle. I run on pure determination, picking myself up, hauling myself around, throwing my carcass into tasks. Even the "fun" activities like reading, games, movies, can feel too wearying, tiring, burdensome.

I have been playing SolForge with a friend on Steam lately. Once I actually get into play it is enjoyable. But having to move to the other room, get into a chair, move my arms and hands for the keyboard and mouse... every small action makes me feel like life is being drained from my body. My hands will start cramping from fatigue while I play video games. It shouldn't be this hard to do something so little, so easy, so relaxing-- but it is.

And sleep still eludes me, driven away by muscle spasms or deep aches in the joints or burning muscles or inexplicably alert mind that just won't shut up and let me rest.

I am not alone in this. There are many millions of us. And fibro is nothing new: "This mysterious illness has been studied since the 1800’s and has been identified by a variety of names, including hysterical paroxysm, muscular rheumatism and fibrositis."

But it is still new to me.

Before I had fibro, in 2010, a scant 3 years ago, I would awaken refreshed and ready to go. I would bound out of bed shortly after dawn... 7 or 8 a.m. was my natural time to awaken. I was ready for the day, clear-headed, and even eager.

Now everyday I wake up in pain and exhaustion. Some days it just feels like a bad flu-- bone-tired, heavy, and sore. Other days I awaken and my face crumples into a grimace with a burning headache and muscles trying to pull me apart with sharp tension and spasms. Some days I wake up and start crying. Some days I cry all day because the pain is too intense for me to do anything else.

When the pain is out of control I feel out of control. I feel like I am drowning. My nerves are shot. I alternate between bouts of immense depressing pain or euphoria when the pain recedes, but the endorphins remain.
I am run down and jittery at the same time. I am not sure how that works. Tense and anxious on days with mild pain and completely crushed into melancholy goo on the bad days.

I know I'm not a good person to be around right now. I try to remain calm, but I feel like I am cracking. I feel like this shows. It makes me feel worse.

But Lyrica... that should help and help soon. I hope. Supposedly it is fast-acting and has few or mild side-effects.

I hope so.

Because I am so ashamed of everything I am right now. I feel useless, hopeless, and my moods are so volatile. I don't feel like a worthwhile friend or family member. I just don't. When this all gets figured out... I feel like I will owe everyone so many apologies for this part of my life. I just don't know what to do.

I hope Lyrica is a turning point.