The Wisdom of Fools

“Not-knowing is true knowledge.
Presuming to know is a disease.
First realize that you are sick;
then you can move toward health.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

People are constantly telling me what I have lost. I had a path in life that I followed with rigor and determination. I had goals bracing the hulking body of a future career. I knew where I would be in six months, in a year, in three years. I strove forward, pushing and reaching to the edge of my limits.

When my own body shuddered apart, first in habitual sickness and then into chronic illness, I took it as a curse or an omen. The goals changed, the body of the future evaporated, the path gave way to detours. My failing health was a harbinger of change. Yes, I am not on my previous path. Yes, I am not sure what career I can manage while I have chronic migraines with complex auras. Yes, I am not sure of the future, it is shadowy and indistinct.

But it always was, even though I lived as if it were otherwise. Even though I understood that the future was illusory, I did not know it. A person can understand that snow is cold, but until they experience it, they do not know it. It was the same for me and the shadowed future.

What have I gained? The wisdom of fools. The Tao Te Ching, which I always loved, makes greater sense. Perhaps I am wiser, or have perspective. Certain things are no longer as important to me as they were before my illness and others are of greater importance than anything that ever mattered before. All I know is that you cannot count on tomorrow, even today.

Do I know what my future will hold? Do any of us? I am not on my previous path, but the path is still there, waiting, as I take my long detour. Perhaps I will return to it with a different understanding. Perhaps understanding will lead me along a different path. In the meantime, there are many paths to explore.  Perhaps I am now a fool, but I know for certain that I once was a fool that followed an uncertain future with certainty.